Since being diagnosed almost ten years ago, there has been a question people often ask when they know of my HIV status: how did you feel when you found out? Blur. That is the only word that instantly comes to my mind. Walking like an automaton for days, until my first adult tears were shed outside a shop window display. What triggered it, I could not say, but this is my early, and only, recollection of my diagnoses. Standing still for hours, crying in the middle of the street.

I cannot deny it has been a difficult journey; one comes to terms with some hard-hitting realities, and I found them harder when they were closer to home.

Before, stigma and discrimination were just abstract concepts for me, till the day I started experiencing them in my own skin. Life-long friends started disappearing, withdrawing the very thing I needed most, support. The vacuum they created was difficult to understand, and the whole process distressing, affecting my already debilitating health.

Nonetheless, I saw these as other experiences I had to learn by. There were so many challenges I had to face, and so many decisions to take; HIV medication and its side effects were just some of them. If I think back to that time, to those sleepless nights, the constant nausea, and countless other ailments my body had to endure, it could have been easy to give up. Then again, if I think back to that time, I see all those positive elements that gave me strength and renewed energy to continue.

I consider myself lucky. Having access to ARV treatment has given me the possibility to lead a normal life, backed up by the support and love of my wonderful partner. My career as graphic designer has always been important to me, and in my early years of my diagnoses I was fortunate enough to work in an environment where I and other HIV positive colleagues of mine were in a position of being truthful about our status, of talking freely about the ups and downs of everyday life living with HIV, without the constant necessity to hide.

These last ten years have been for me like a rollercoaster ride, with joyful, long bouts and scary, dreadful moments. I could see that I am, yet again, at the end of another cycle, but that energetic child in me is more than ready to get on the next ride.

Raffael Teo worked as the Graphic Designer for the UN Plus annual Positive photo calendar (2006-2009).  He is based in London and can be reached at: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it